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By Brian Kitching, Master Personal Trainer | The Wolf’s Lair
Dear Fellow Parents,
Children are one of life’s greatest blessings. They come to us with their own hopes, dreams, and sparks of passion—unique paths that deserve room to unfold. As parents, we have the profound privilege of guiding them, but too often our own past experiences cloud that role, whether through overzealous pushing or fearful holding back.
I’ve watched a father scream at his 12-year-old son for missing a tackle—the same tackle that ended the father’s own rugby career at 19. I’ve seen a mother pull her daughter out of gymnastics the moment she showed real talent, admitting later: “I was jealous. I never got that good.”
These aren’t bad parents. They’re wounded people who forgot that their child’s story doesn’t have to be the sequel to their own.
The Pusher: Living Unfulfilled Dreams Through Your Child
Some of us live our unfulfilled dreams through our kids. We sign them up for the sports we once loved—or wished we had excelled at—piling on extra practices, critiques, and expectations. They play not out of joy, but to avoid disappointing us. The pressure mounts until the fun drains away, leading to burnout, resentment, or broken spirits.
Your child plays not out of joy, but to avoid disappointing you. When the fun drains away, resentment rushes in to fill the void.
The car ride home becomes an interrogation: “Why didn’t you go for that pass?” “You’re not trying hard enough.” “Do you know how much we’re paying for this?”
Slowly, imperceptibly, their love for the sport dies. Not because they weren’t good enough, but because it stopped being theirs.
The Protector: When Fear Masquerades as Love
On the other side, fear can make us pull back entirely. Perhaps we failed in our own pursuits—faced rejection, injury, or heartbreak—and now we “protect” our children by discouraging them. We belittle their ambitions (“It’s too competitive; you’ll just get hurt”), downplay their talents out of unspoken jealousy, or outright try to stop them from trying. In trying to shield them from the pain we felt, we rob them of growth, confidence, and the chance to succeed where we didn’t.
A mother once told me: “I don’t want my son to feel the heartbreak I felt when I didn’t make the provincial team.” I asked her: “What if he does make it? What if he succeeds where you didn’t? Will you be able to celebrate that?”
She went silent.
Both extremes stem from love twisted by our own unresolved stories. But your child’s journey isn’t a redo of yours.
The Wisdom Without the Weight
If you have regrets or lessons from failed dreams, share them openly: “I tried this once, it didn’t work out because…, and here’s what I learned.” Relate the wisdom without imposing the weight.
The difference is subtle but profound:
Imposing the weight: “I got injured doing this, so you shouldn’t try it.”
Sharing the wisdom: “I got injured because I didn’t listen to my body. Here’s what I learned about recovery and prevention. Let me help you avoid my mistakes while you chase your dream.”
One closes doors. The other opens them with guidance.
The Path Forward: How to Support Without Suffocating
Instead, meet them where they are. Support the passions they choose—cheer genuinely, offer guidance when asked, and celebrate effort over outcome. If they love a sport, be their encourager on the sidelines. If they don’t, let them explore something else without guilt. Cherish them unconditionally, respect their autonomy, and watch the mutual respect and love flourish.
✅ THE HEALTHY SPORTS PARENT CHECKLIST
Ask yourself honestly:
□ Am I signing them up for THEIR dream or MY unfinished one?
- If you remove your own sports history, would they still choose this?
□ Do they light up talking about practice, or dread my reactions?
- Joy is the compass. If it’s gone, something’s wrong.
□ Am I more invested in their success than they are?
- If yes, you’ve crossed a line.
□ Can I celebrate their effort even when they lose?
- Or do I go silent, disappointed, distant?
□ Have I ever said “I’m just trying to help” after they asked me to stop?
- That’s control dressed up as support.
□ Would I want to be coached/parented the way I’m treating them?
- The golden rule applies on the sidelines too.
□ Am I okay if they quit—genuinely okay?
- If not, examine why. Whose dream is really at stake?
If you answered honestly and didn’t like what you found: Good. Awareness is the first step. Tomorrow, have a different conversation with your child.
The Real Victory
Your child isn’t here to fulfill your script or avoid your pains. They’re here to write their own story, with you as their steadfast supporter. Let them shine—or even soar higher than you ever did. That’s the real victory.
A Note from the Author
As a Master Personal Trainer who works with youth athletes daily, I’ve had hundreds of conversations with parents navigating this delicate balance. I’ve celebrated with families who got it right, and I’ve watched talented kids walk away from sports they once loved because the sideline pressure became unbearable.
I’m also a parent. I know the fierce love that makes us want to protect, push, and prepare our children for everything. But I’ve learned—sometimes painfully—that our job isn’t to write their story. It’s to make sure they have the pen, the courage, and the support to write it themselves.
This letter comes from a place of deep empathy for how hard parenting is, and equal concern for the kids caught in the crossfire of our unresolved dreams.
With hope for stronger bonds and brighter futures,
A Fellow Parent and Observer
📚 Recommended Reading for Sports Parents
If this letter resonated (or stung a little), these books offer deeper guidance:
For the pushy parent:
- Raising Young Athletes: Parenting Your Children to Victory in Sports and Life by Jim Taylor, PhD
Helps you channel your enthusiasm into healthy support without pressure
For the fearful parent:
- 101 Ways to Be a Terrific Sports Parent by Joel Fish, PhD
Practical strategies for supporting without suffocating
For any parent navigating youth sports:
- The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine, PhD
Eye-opening look at how parental pressure affects kids’ mental health - How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims
From a former Stanford dean—about letting kids become their own people
The Wolf’s Lair participates in the Amazon Associates Program. We earn from qualifying purchases at no cost to you, and only recommend resources we believe will genuinely help.
Related Articles:
- You Can’t Chase Two Dreams: A Letter to Young Athletes (link to your published article)
- Mental Health Strategies That Actually Work for Athletes (coming soon)
Have a question or story to share? Reach out to us at The Wolf’s Lair. We’re building a community that protects young athletes from every angle.
About the Author
