Day 6: The Plank Finally Lost
Today was one of those quiet, rainy days where everything outside tells you to stay in bed… and apparently my body received the memo too.
My uterus was kicking my ass, and joining her little rebellion was a migraine.
Lovely.
Because being a woman sometimes just isn’t enough fun on its own. We need cramps, hormones, headaches and a reproductive system that periodically decides to declare war.
And then there’s PCOS — or PMOS, as I’m apparently now supposed to call it — which, weirdly, I’m actually a little glad is getting more attention.
Because after years of hearing that certain things are “normal” or getting a shrug and a “we don’t really know why that happens”, it’s nice to feel like someone, somewhere, is finally looking at the bigger picture.
Anyway.
I eventually managed to get the cramps under control and evict the migraine.
In the meantime, I became Arts & Crafts Mom.
While I was wallowing in self-pity and quietly questioning the design of the female reproductive system, I kept my little gremlins busy.
We turned brown delivery bags into treasure maps.
Cute, right?
What I somehow forgot was that arts and crafts with children does not mean:
“Here are the supplies. Have fun.”
It means:
“MOM?”
“MOM?”
“MOM, must I cut here?”
“MOM, is this right?”
“MOM, can you help me?”
“MOM, do I have to do this?”
“MOMMMMM.”
I’m not sure why I was surprised.
I have three children.
I should know better by now.
But they had fun, the maps turned out cute, and—possibly the biggest miracle of Day 6—the clean-up was nowhere near as catastrophic as I expected.
Parenting win.
Then came Temptation: Round 2.
Inside one of the cupboards sat:
Cupcakes.
And banana loaf.
Just sitting there.
Existing.
Menacingly.
I avoided that cupboard like it contained a contagious disease.
And you know what?
I WON.
Six days ago I probably would’ve opened that cupboard “just to look.”
We all know where just looking ends.
Usually with crumbs on your shirt and absolutely no witnesses.
😂
Hockey was cancelled.
The rain meant no hockey drills today.
Part of me was disappointed.
Another part of me quietly whispered:
“Thank fuck.”
Because remember yesterday?
Today was supposed to involve running.
And historically, as previously established, the only part of me that has reliably run for the last 15 years is my mouth.
But once the migraine cleared, I didn’t want to just write the entire day off.
So I moved the couches in the lounge, put YouTube on, gathered the kids and found a kid-friendly exercise video.
And somehow… things escalated.
We jogged on the spot.
We ducked under imaginary obstacles.
Jumped over gaps.
Dodged swinging objects.
Avoided giant rolling balls.
Obviously none of these objects actually existed.
But according to that television screen, we were basically competing on Ninja Warrior: Lounge Edition.
And I committed.
I jumped.
I ducked.
I dodged.
Because I couldn’t exactly tell the kids to keep going while Mom stood there casually drinking tea.
And here’s a major achievement:
I DID NOT PEE MYSELF.
👏👏👏
Motherhood bladder: 0
Me: 1.
I actually got a decent sweat going too.
Then we finished with some light yoga.
And, ladies and gentlemen…
I DID A PLANK.
After five consecutive days of avoiding approximately 30 seconds of discomfort…
THE PLANK FINALLY HAPPENED.
Twenty seconds.
Not thirty.
But twenty glorious, horrible, never-ending seconds.
The children planked.
I planked.
Nobody died.
It felt approximately seven working days long, but I DID IT.
Somewhere, the psychological experiment has officially ended.
Or at least entered phase two. 😂
Today reminded me of something important.
Workouts aren’t always going to go according to plan.
Sometimes the gym doesn’t happen.
Sometimes hockey gets rained out.
Sometimes your uterus is attempting murder while your head feels like it’s being split open.
But doing something is still better than doing nothing.
Today’s workout wasn’t in my programme.
It wasn’t planned.
It wasn’t fancy.
It happened in the lounge with my kids while we dodged imaginary objects on YouTube.
But we moved.
We laughed.
We sweated.
And apparently… we plank now.
Also, second lesson learned:
I need yoga mats.
Probably three.
Because hardwood floors + knees + yoga + planking at 35 is quite frankly disrespectful to my joints.
And then came the pampering.
Tonight I decided my face deserved some attention too, so I finished the day with a clay mask and a little skincare pamper.
And OH. MY. WORD.
My face currently feels as smooth as a baby’s bottom.
Now the question is:
If I keep doing this… will it remove my “what the fuck” lines?
For anyone unfamiliar with what-the-fuck lines, they’re basically the opposite of frown lines.
They’re caused by years of successfully controlling your mouth…
while your face continues to react to the complete lack of common sense happening around you.
My verbal filter has improved tremendously over the years.
Unfortunately, my eyebrows have not received the same training.
😂
So that’s me for tonight.
Day 6 was quiet.
Rainy.
Crampy.
Migraine-y.
Crafty.
And somehow… surprisingly successful.
No hockey.
No cupcakes.
No banana loaf.
But there was movement, laughter, skincare…
and a fucking plank.
Goodnight, guys. ❤️
Day 6: Done.
Uterus: still problematic.
Migraine: defeated.
Cupcakes: ignored.
Kids: entertained.
Bladder: held the line.
Plank: TWENTY SECONDS. 🎉
What-the-fuck lines: skincare intervention underway.
Apparently, we really are doing this.
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